Lost in Space…

Papers flying

Well, the best laid plans as they say…

I decided to do something WILD and CRAZY for me…I decided that I would write a longer blog post and actually review it, revise it, polish it, shine it…so I worked carefully for a few hours on this missive. Saved it to “draft”. Closed out of WordPress and decided to let it percolate for a day or two. Well, guess what? That flippin’ draft is GONE GONE GONE. Can’t find it to save my life.

That my dears is a sign from God telling me “just stream your consciousness baby girl and then hit “publish immediately.”

I will obey God and my posts will be WYSIWYG for all eternity.

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Potty words and Blasphemy

f-bomb

You know, I am not a prude when it comes to naughty language. Tossing around an f-bomb is an unattractive, yet undeniable, part of my vocabulary during times of high stress.  I usually don’t fret about other people’s language either…

…EXCEPT…

When they take the Lord’s name in vain, in any form. Hearing my beloved Lord’s name reviled in casual conversation, well that brings up a gut wrenching revulsion and I *will* say something to your face about it.  The most common reaction I receive is a startled look, and a bemused “huh, sorry about that.”

It’s about impossible to get away from it though. Everyone, everywhere (with the exception of most Christians and those with couth) is falling into a fad of seeing how far can they take the blasphemy and get away with it.

Tonight, I started watching a Showtime series called “Happyish”. Episode one made me laugh, episode two I enjoyed, episode three, well I didn’t make it past the opener when the main character flipped the bird and said something to God so heinous that I sat in startled shock before deliberately turning off the T.V.

My son, Bryce David Salazar, the writer, told me that it’s “just the way millennials talk these days” and there is no intent of blasphemy because so many of them are now atheists. Sigh. That did NOT bring any comfort to my soul.

So, as yet another show has joined my ever growing list of T.V. shows to never watch again, I just sit here and ponder the direction of this world and wonder when enough will be enough.

Dream 1

Dreaming

I am at work. Doing home care, trying to teach an old lady how to blow out air through her lips, but she keeps getting up and walking around. Nurse Jackie is there. I’m wondering what drugs she has taken. My husband then walks in to tell me that a former coworker’s wife has had a stroke. I immediately go to help. But instead of going to her home, I sign up for continuing ed classes. That way I can get paid for going to classes during the day. But, instead of taking a course like head and neck cancer, or aphasia techniques, I sign up for the following:

Beginning boxing

Sculpting

Pottery

Painting

Yoga

I’m very excited to see that the actor STEVE MCQUEEN is in my pottery class! I rush there immediately and see him being wheeled in by his attendant.  I sorta know he’s dead, but instead believe he is just ancient and has a personal nursing attendant.

I walk into the classroom and am at the Hellmouth nursing home I use to work in. A room has open windows and is not secure. I’m trying to find maintenance because I can’t get them closed and it’s my responsibility to make sure the building is locked up tight at night. But, none of the people working on shift care about the open windows, and this is my problem to solve. I’m in a bit of a rush because I’m missing my classes!

So, I leave. My husband picks me up and all of a sudden I say…. “Whoa! I can’t get paid for art and exercise classes during my work day! I’ll have to use PTO time!! I don’t know if I have enough!”

I then wake up to the annoying alarm.

A “hypothetical” question….

TreasureChest

Let us say that a beloved child (Bug) has defected to a hostile country (Canada) and in the flurry of that defection left in her “trash pile” objects of value? In which a person (me) was told “throw everything left away”. And in the process, that person finds a lovely digital scale, an awesome orange-block kitty throw, and other quality items? Can the defector then say “Oh, I’m illegally crossing the border in two weeks, I’ll get that stuff then…” or…has the defector lost all claim???

Stay tuned!

ps: during said illegal crossing, will put the beloved child into detox to clear her system from the awful foreign poisons she has ingested (poutine).

Banishing the darkness…

TheDevilKnowsYourName

The old woman finishes her examination of conscience as she sits outside the confessional. In the quiet of the Church looking at Him in the Monstrance and feeling His call to her was an undeniable joy, but a dark cloud of underlying shame and darkness clung to her as her eyes returned to the question “have I ever lied or concealed my sins in confession?” In the days of her youth, as a young woman,  when she journeyed far from God and the truth of His Church, she led a life of worldliness. A worldliness that had no room for purity of soul, no room to acknowledge the question “is what I am doing right now, leading me to or from the Lord?” With false friends who had no respect or faith for He who is greater than all, they delighted in drawing the girl from her path of purity into the void of darkness and sin.

Years passed and the young woman heeded His loving call and turned her back on her former ways and knelt before His altar in adoration and returned to the sacraments. But in the ensuing years, she was never able to utter the exact nature of her acts and as she tried to gather courage to name the sin, whispers from the evil one taunted her “your sins are so repulsive before the Lord, that you cannot be forgiven. So, dance around them, that is best…” Although she was contrite and sorrowful to her very core, the stain of the past refused to be washed clean and demons taunted her in moments of weakness with hissing whispers of “you are repugnant in the eyes of the Lord, your sins are too great to be forgiven and we wait for you in hell, for that is what you deserve and that is what you were made for, join us, we are waiting.” The young woman would call upon St. Michael for protection and push her sins and the dark whispers from her mind and bury them in the every day joys and sorrows which is life, but the heaviness of the stain clung tightly to her spirit.

Today, many years later, she sits gray haired and lined, her eyes are drawn again and again to the words “have I ever lied or concealed my sins in confession?”  and the crushing shame and darkness make her want to flee this holy place until she can bury the guilty shame beneath the surface of her consciousness.

The door opens, and slowly she rises, taking halting steps towards the room where Jesus sits, waiting for His child. She kneels and begins the prayer “Bless me father, for I have sinned…” She begins to talk into the loving, gentle ear of our Lord and tell Him that she fears she has concealed past sins. Through the priest, Christ opens his arms and says, “Tell Me now, I’m listening…” The darkness begins to crush her, panic wells, and it is as if dark, smoky fingers are choking her to keep the sin hidden and her lips sealed. In a trembling rush the words pour forth, honest and true and the grace of our Lord flings the darkness away and the old woman is filled with blinding light and grace, a sweeping joy and the first taste of freedom her soul has known in years and her spirit soars with the angels.  Jesus utters to her words of wisdom and prayers and forgiveness. There was no condemnation. No rebuke. No recoil in horror and disgust. Just the pure and cleansing love that He offers to all who ask, and in this asking the stain is washed away in His cleansing blood and the penitential act she will fulfill. The defeated demons shriek in fury and flee for their false power cannot overtake His goodness and light.

The old woman rises with grace and in grace, cleansing tears of joy streaming as her soul is gathered into the arms of her Father.

Brokenness…

broken-heart-hiI’ve mentioned before that I have serious marital difficulties going on. So very complex and soul sucking. We seem to make some progress and then one careless word wipes it all away and we are back to the darkness. In my deepest of hearts, I do not want to separate or divorce. But, I also don’t think I can continue with the chaos either and the depressing environment of an unhappy home. This is compounded by having a son with special emotional needs (he can be a stinker!) and my husband and I being on completely different pages. So, this Friday is our 34th wedding anniversary and the day my husband asked me to leave. I feel dizzy.

Well, that’s that…

The minute I threaten my subconscious that I’m going to blog my dreams – WHAM! They become so patently obvious that they bore ME to even remember them. I need to crack the whip over my mind a little more often. Maybe I should crack the whip over my appetite as well, because once again I’m tipping the scales.   Sadly, however, my return to healthful daily exercise has been cut short due to the news that my right knee is damaged once again. A few years back, my knee would “catch” or “click” when I walked. That was a torn meniscus. I’ve been experiencing pain once again and found my ACL is damaged and I need more surgery. I am going to a SPORTS INJURY CLINIC which tickles me because you will NEVER meet a more un-athletic, uncoordinated fat woman  in your life.  I’ve been cursed with clumsiness ever since I was a un-athletic, uncoordinated thin girl in my childhood. But there I will be, getting seen by physicians who treat REAL ATHLETES!  Watch me do my happy dance….

 

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