I am in the midst of many huge life changing events. None of them wonderful or something to look forward to with a smile or joyful hope. The most pressing is family trouble which tears at my heart emotionally and keeps me near tears most of the day, but also, a close second, is financial distress. Serious enough that we may lose our home and our attorney has interest only in the money we pay him. For many complicated reasons we are not at liberty to just hire a new lawyer, we are stuck with this jack wagon and our hands are tied. Our mortgage company (who purchased our mortgage years ago) is a well known predatory lender with websites and groups lamenting their unethical standards. I don’t feel good about the outcome.
My family has always been my rock, and as long as all was strong within this bond, well who cares about what challenges life throws at you? My family is my heart and my soul, and right now that bond is tattered and worn. I am trying to weave it back together, but who knows if it will be a success? It’s up to the grace of the Lord and I entreat the Blessed Mother and St. Joseph to hear my cries and take them to their Son to hear my anguish and to bring healing to my clan.
I don’t remember what it is like to feel carefree, secure, or safe. Every morning, when I start to rouse from sleep, there is a moment where all feels right with the world. And then, very slowly I feel a stirring deep inside which, as it gathers force, grabs on to my heart and with each burning turn I feel my heartbeat begin to go faster and faster and faster until, literally, I can feel the pounding in my throat and I struggle to breathe. There is a temptation to sink back into bed, close my eyes, and hide and hope all these troubles will vanish. I don’t. I will confess I am proud of myself each and every day for getting up, getting dressed, getting my son ready for school, and going to work.
About a week ago, I had the great pleasure of taking my son, and his best friend, to see his godfather who is a priest. Papa B (as V lovingly calls him) immediately saw beneath the fake smile and offered words of encouragement, support and comfort. And he said something which has stayed with me since that visit “As a priest, many people come to me with their troubles and you are not alone. Look around, everyone has something that is a burden which feels too much to bear”
So, in light of a previous post, never have I been so aware that we must link arms, so we can become that wall of strength in the face of the brutal wind that is life. It’s hard to feel connected to others and life when despair is dragging at you, but it is my new daily goal, to ask others “how are you? can I help?” and just maybe that will push the suffocating, gray fog away and let in His light…